I Broke Up With Insecurity
I never thought of myself as being held captive by insecurity.
I never thought it was the source of so much hurt and hindrance.
I never thought it was the breeding ground of the fear and lack of confidence in my life.
I never thought it was the thief that was robbing me joy.
I have been meaning to write this for a while, but to be bluntly honest I didn't have the balls. I mean who really wants to share the things that they struggle with? However, for months now I have really been working on personal development and with that comes being completely vulnerable in hopes that my stories, experiences, words will help others.
I wasn't always insecure, and it took me a while to realize this is where my insecurities started to kick in. When I was in my first relationship (I like to think he didn't notice what he was doing) he would make small comments saying he was smarter than me, jokingly say I had a big nose, my freckles were too childish, made fun of me for having strict parents, constant belittlement, break up with me whenever he pleased because he knew that I would take him back as soon as he spoke the words "i'm sorry".
It’s crazy how we let people’s words stab us real deep in our heart, and let it identify us.
I didn’t realize I have been held captive by insecurity for so long because I didn’t realize what insecurity truly was. Little did I know it was the source of what has been pulling my heart apart.
"The insecure heart places unrealistic expectations on other people, and runs on to the next thing if those expectations aren’t met, breaking down friendships and relationships and asking broken people to be its "god".
The insecure heart weeps at the very thought of rejection. It is overly sensitive to every little thing someone else says or does. It lives in constant fear that someone will disapprove.
The insecure heart breaks the moment someone else does better. It wants to be a “the” instead of an “a.”
The insecure heart is not content with being average, but wants to soar higher, just to be better than someone else. Everything is a competition. Everything is a fight to be best.
The insecure heart wants to be the highest priority to their friend, boyfriend, family, or boss. It wants constant affirmation from these people that
And yet in all of this mess of an insecure heart–the most insecure person will often appear some level of perfect. Because perfection is what a diseased heart will use to patch the pain of insecurity."
When I came across this quote every word pressed into my heart and echoed,
Laura: this is you.
This is you because all of this insecurity that is weighing you down is rooted in pride, self-centeredness, and self-obsession.
This is you because insecurity has made you do some stupid things. Insecurity has made you sit quiet and not speak for fear of saying something stupid. Insecurity has made you tell people you’re “quiet” as a cover up-as a lame excuse that disguises the real you. Insecurity has made a fool out of you. It’s stolen your life, and it’s held you back.
This is you, Laura. Because you’ve placed your security in the hands of other people. When you do that, when you give your security and purpose to another person or people or friends to hold–they drop it every time.
This is you, Laura. Because you’ve doubted yourself so much it’s pathetic. Its truly sad. You’ve doubted so much the beautiful person you were made you to be. You’ve doubted your potential. You’ve kept dreams hidden too far inside.
I know that it will not be over in an instant. It takes time to heal a heart that has been bruised.
But when those thoughts of self-doubt, inferiority, and fear arise I am standing up and recognizing them for what they are.
It may be a battle to overcome this,
I say bring it on.
Slowly, little by little, those lies I have believed for so long will be erased.
Since the day I decided I’d had enough, I have never known so much freedom in my heart!!!
It is truly a beautiful thing.
Next time insecurity calls- I'll say screw you.
And you should too! <3
Thanks for being here and your constant support!
Much love, Laura