Who Do You Say I Am?
I’ve always thought it was the most wonderful thing to be able to win the affection of others. There’s always something so magical in the feeling of knowing that I’ve won someone over, I’ve gotten someones approval, something in my own people-pleasing nature.
To be honest, I love the satisfying moment of knowing that I did it, that my charm has triumphed again. In this I’ve found worth.
It’s a sad game I’ve only recently been able to admit I play.
2019 has been an interesting year. I have learned a lot about myself and have questioned my self-worth like never before.
I’ve realized that I’ve often let who I am in the hands of how others perceive me to be. “Who do you say I am?” is not for me to ask of others. When I allow those around me to answer the question of who I am I always come up with a heart half broken. Waiting for everyone to accept me as I am does not in any way change the character of my heart, it just leaves me with an identity too fragile to carry. I realize I’ve let my worth be dictated by others but myself.
I think it’s virtually impossible to avoid this, but our hearts are not designed to be this way, to let our worth be dictated by the words or actions of another.
Our hearts are not meant to be trampled by those we hand our vulnerability to, but often we let them be.
And at the end of it all, we are left with words haunting us yet with no one there to say them.
This is not to say we cannot accept affirmation or hear the careful criticism of another, but we must have discernment. When I let my vulnerability turn to a need to be needed I am no longer free. “Who do you say I am?” cannot be answered by those around us, and vulnerability cannot be a game of worth.
I must remind myself that I was designed lovely, unique and free.
There are weights lifted when we are able to find true worth and self-love.
I am so lovely, so unique, so free.
There is beauty in the pain of accepting this truth. In the truth of answering for myself who I am. And though there is fear, I have found grace.
So lovely, so unique, so free.
Much love, Laura